Talking it out

I have been telling folks to get together and talk now for over a year, but it never occurred to me that they might not know exactly how to do that. Of course they know how to talk, but do they feel comfortable approaching their sex (or life) partner about their particular sexual situation? I have to admit, 90% of all the advice I give to people who come to me with their problems or questions is to talk to their partner.

I realize that it can be very intimidating when you want to discuss your sex-life with someone, especially when you don't want to hurt their feelings. I mean, no one wants to sound like they are criticizing or complaining about the way things have been. All they want to do is make a few suggestions as to how things could change for the better.

Well, here is my suggestion to handle this kind of situation. First, you need to know what you want to talk about. You need a plan. I suggest you write down some of your ideas and try to organize them into some kind of logical order. Remember, no amount of planning will be able to cover everything that is likely to come up. You have no idea how your partner will react to your ideas, nor do you have any idea what your partner might want. They always seem to come up with good suggestions for things you never thought of.

Once you have your “plan” all laid out, let your partner know that you would like to sit down and talk about it “sometime.” Don't spring it on them unannounced. That will only cause them to feel that you have “complaints,” and that won't work. Instead, tell them that you have some ideas that you would like to discuss that you think they might like. Also, it gives your partner time to come up with some things of their own and to prepare for a good discussion.

When the time comes, don't approach it as a “bitch session.” That's not the purpose. Instead, approach the meeting as a discussion of what is working and what needs to be changed. Be open to your partner's ideas. Discuss, don't dictate! Suggest, don't complain! For such a discussion to be effective and productive, you must both feel safe and comfortable. As a Mistress, I always reassure my sub that there will be no repercussions for anything they say during the discussion.

Don’t forget to implement (that means do) whatever the two of you agree on. After all, isn't that the point of all this? It won't help if you don't try the things you discussed.

You may be surprised how productive a talk like this can be. Remember, if you don't know where you are going, you'll never get there. Or... “Wherever you go, there you are.” (Yogi Berra)

Mistress Ivey