Utilization Of Time

I recently received an email from a woman who complained that she and her husband could only practice the lifestyle (Female Led Relationship) late at night and before the sun comes up. It dawned on me that there must be others out there who share her dilemma. They think they don't really have enough time to enjoy the lifestyle the way they would like. Well, to that I say, “Utilize what time you have!”

If you have children at home, or one (or both) of you work outside the home, it might seem that you just don't have enough time to share the little things that make an FLR truly enjoyable. Then you are not utilizing your time properly. Especially if you engage in a little tease and denial or even chastity.

I have written several posts that touch on the subject in one way or another, so to many of you, this might seem like a rehash of old ideas, but I say, if it works, who cares how old the idea is? Anyway, here are a few suggestions to help you get started down the road to more fully enjoying each other using what time you have. Beyond the obvious weekend getaways, there are plenty of things you can do to spice things up using little moments here and there.

Take a few minutes to sit down and create a plan. Let's assume (just for argument sake) that your husband works, your kids go to school, and you stay home taking care the house (doing those things you don't trust your hubby to do) or shopping, or whatever you normally do with your day. The first thing you need to do is make a schedule of your families typical day. List (in chronological order) all the normal events that take place. For example, when do you get up? When does your husband rise? What about the kids? When do the kids leave for school, and what time does your hubby leave for work? Include things like what time your husband has available at work (breaks, lunch, etc.) when you could contact him with little or no interruption of his work.

Once you have everything listed in order, you are ready to make your plan. If your husband's breaks are at irregular times, he could simply call you (or perhaps text you) so that you can give him instructions. There may be other things you can use as well. Does he take a lunch box or briefcase to work? Something where you could leave a little note for him to find?

There will be things that don't run on a regular schedule, such as when the kids go out to play, or do their homework. Maybe hubby doesn't always get home at the same time. Your plan will have to take these things into account.

Okay, so what goes into this little plan of yours? Well, much of it will not actually be a part of the plan, but rather a list of things that you can do if and when the opportunity presents itself. Your plan should include things like short teases you can do before he goes to work, during his breaks, during lunch, or any time he might have free to perform little tasks for you. So you need a list of tasks that you might want him to perform when you get the chance.

Include anything you can do (in the way of teasing him) when you get five or ten minutes alone. It could just be a “bathroom break” when the two f you can sneak off to the bedroom (or bathroom) while the kids are busy watching television. You should have several little teases that you can do with your hubby that will only take a few minutes. Such as, pull his pants down, get him hard by telling him a fantasy, or simply fondling him. You can even use these little “tease times” to punish or admonish him for some indiscretion or displeasure he has caused you. Maybe he didn't do the dishes properly, or he forgot to call you before he left the office. It really doesn't matter what he did, this is a chance to remind him just who is in charge.

By-the-way, don't EVER feel guilty about taking charge or even punishing him. If he enjoys being subservient to you, he will love you all the more for enforcing your rules.

Finally, you should include longer tease and denial sessions as often as you can. These may have to wait until the kids are asleep or something, but you should plan to spend at least twenty or thirty minutes (or more) at bedtime teasing him or allowing him to pleasure you. Even if he complains that he is too tired, don't let that stop you. If you do it right, he will get hard and he won't care how tired he is at that point. Friday and Saturday nights are great for long tease and denial sessions. Especially if you can both sleep in in the morning.

Anyway, I hope you get the picture from all this. If you both want to feel that you are living the lifestyle more, be creative, use the time you have to tease him more and he will become much more the husband you have always wanted. Don't forget to push his limits a little while you are at it. He will thank you for it and you will have even more fun.

Mistress Ivey

What's in a Name?

I realize that my blog is called “Becoming A Mistress,” but what if you don't want to be a “Mistress” per-say? That is, you want total control, but you detest the image that comes to mind when the word is used. I must agree, the image most often called to mind (thanks to the Internet), is one of a woman wearing very high heels, dressed in skin-tight leather, and carrying some kind of whip or riding crop. If this is not you, what are you? What do you call yourself? What does your husband (boy friend, submissive, spouse, or significant other) call you?

I have heard things like, Goddess, Queen, and even “She who must be obeyed.” But even these seem like too much. I chose Mistress because, in my opinion, it is the least self-centered of the names I have heard. However, I also heard names such as, Sweetheart, Sweetie, lover, and just plain wife, used as well. Of course none of these describe the relationship, much less the position of the woman in that relationship.

In one my of books I make a comparison between a Queen and her Knight in shining armor with that of a Mistress and her slave. However, I make no recommendation as to what your husband (or whatever he is) should call you. Nor do I make a recommendation as to what you might want to call him.

Personally, I feel it makes no difference what you call each other, as long as the relationship works and your roles within that relationship are clearly understood. Having said that, I call myself “Mistress” and so does my husband, nemo. However, we only use those terms when we are alone and in “play” mode. Yes, real life requires us to change from “happy couple” to “Mistress and slave” when we want to play. The rest of the time, though I am always in charge, we appear “normal.”

I never wear a leather teddy. I don't like high heels, but I do have a pair of black boots with 3-inch heels that I bought at PayLess, but I rarely wear them while we are “playing.” And I have an assortment of whips, floggers, crops and paddles that I do often use (but that's just me). Though we both enjoy the many images of Mistress' on the web, I just can't see me wearing those types of outfits.

My point here is that it doesn't matter how you dress, or by what names you use when you are playing. Just be yourself. You can be in control without having to be called “Mistress.” It's not what you call yourself that makes you the one in charge. It's the attitude with which you approach your relationship.

I have been writing this blog for over four years and the one thing I always wanted to make clear is that you should have fun. Your sex life should not be something that you do every now and then. It should be something you look forward to, something that is fun for the both of you! So don't let a name deter you from enjoying the control you can wield, and fun you can have. Life is, after all, something to be enjoyed. So is marriage. So enjoy yours to the fullest! You will thank yourself for it.

Mistress Ivey

Anything???

“As long as I keep you from having an orgasm, you'll agree to do anything I want?” The answer to that question when asked of a man on the edge of orgasm is invariably, “Yes.”

Don't believe me? Try it sometime! Of course, once he has had an orgasm his entire attitude will, most likely, change. That is, unless it is something he doesn't mind doing in the first place. For example, many men are willing to drink their own cum, so asking him to do that might not change with an orgasm. But what about sucking another man's cock? Not many will do that without the proper incentive. In fact, I have found that most women who actually want their partner (slave, subbie, boy toy, or what have you) to do something often ask this question in the wrong way or at the wrong time.

What do I mean by that? Here's an example of asking the wrong question (or asking in the wrong way); “Will you suck another man's cock if I let you cum?” Do you see how that puts his reward before he has completed his part of the bargain? Instead, try putting the question to him as a statement this way; “I will let you cum if you first suck another man's cock.” Or, “You can have an orgasm as soon as you have sucked another man's cock.” See the difference? If you really want your victim to perform something he would not ordinarily do (perhaps something humiliating) promise him a reward only after he has completed the task, not before.

I know that many woman have difficulty learning to talk erotically to their partners during sex. Because of this, they tend to be timid when it comes to psychological torment. You may never want your partner to suck another man's cock (just for example) but making him think that you will can be very sexually arousing to him. Obviously, if you are only attacking his psyche with your play, you would want to ask the question differently. Instead of making him perform the task before his reward, you simply want him to agree to complete that task. That is, you want him to say that he will suck another man's cock (or drink his own cum, or dress like a woman, or whatever the task is) before receiving his reward, especially if you don't plan on making him actually follow through.

Ladies, please understand the difference. Every man who enjoys being sexually teased (and they all do) has fantasies of things he would love to be “forced” to do. He also has a list of things that he likes to fantasize about being forced to do but would never really do under any circumstances. Your job, as his tormentor, is to learn what these things are and which are which. Then, and only then, can you really keep your partner on his toes and torment his mind, as well as his body, properly.

In answer to all the questions I've received on the subject... Yes you can make your guy agree to just about anything as long as you keep him from having that orgasm.

Mistress Ivey

For Him or For You?

I get a large number of women telling me that they worry that they are not doing enough, or the right things, to keep their partner satisfied. First of all, and I have said this until I am blue in the face... It is NOT about his pleasure, it is about yours!

Many women fear that they are not doing enough, or that he will get bored with the things they are doing. I can understand these feelings. I have been there myself. However, I came to the realization that I was creating my own fear. I had a fear of failure, of not doing it right, or not doing enough to keep him happy. It is not about him!

To put it simply, you should not be doing things FOR him, but TO him. You should be doing things FOR YOU! Don't think in terms of whether or not you are pleasing him, but rather, is he pleasing you? You are (or should be) the focus of all he does. It is your job to make him focus on those things. If he is not happy doing that, then he may not be cut out to be a submissive.

If that is the case, it is up to you to mold him into the man you want him to be. If he is bored, shame on you. You are not giving him enough to do to keep him aroused. You are, probably, not using his fantasies to your advantage. You should learn to do that. If you are doing it, then do it more often. You can always have him do a webtease. It not only keeps him busy but, usually, allows him an orgasm. Maybe you should make up (or modify) your own webtease that does NOT end with his satisfaction, but rather your satisfaction.

Your partner should be coming to you and asking what he can do for you. If he isn't, then he is not aroused enough. If he complains about not getting enough (sexually) then find more ways to arouse him without having to satisfy him.

Nine times out of ten, if things are not going right, it is because you are creating your own problem. If you keep in mind that it is not what you do for him, but rather what you do to him for yourself, you will get along much better.

Mistress Ivey

Handling "Preemies"

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Over the past two years I have received many complements and complaints from my readers. Thankfully, the complaints have been few and mainly centered around one issue, premature ejaculation during teasing. The question everyone seems to have is, “how can you tease a guy when he shoots his load at the slightest touch?”

To me, the simplest answer is, use a lighter touch. That is, if your fingers seem to set him off too easily, try angora, a soft brush, or even silk panties. Try anything that will reduce the amount of actual stimulation (i.e. friction) and increase the amount of mental stimulation. That is, tease his mind more than his penis.

I know there are men out there who can actually achieve an orgasm without even being touched, but they are few and far between. So unless your partner is one of these, I suggest that you tease him by touching his penis less. Instead, try touching his nipples, his balls, even his bottom or his anus. There are guys who will get extremely excited when you touch their feet. Experiment. Find out what works and what doesn't work with your guy. It's FUN!

Now, it's not all up to you. If your guy is one of those who shoots off too fast, he needs to work on the problem from his perspective as well. He needs to figure out how to hold back, if even just a little. Once he finds a method that will help him hold back a little, he should concentrate on maximizing his abilities in that area. For example, it may be that if he can learn to keep his cock expanded, that is, at its most erect. He may be able to hold off for a few seconds to a minute or more once he has practiced it for awhile.

To understand what I mean, have him try to make his cock as hard as he can. There are certain muscles he needs to utilize to do this. Once he figures out which muscles control it, he can practice exercising those muscles until he can continuously squeeze them for an extended period of time. At least long enough to tell you that you need to back off for a minute so that he can relax.

Some men have told me that if they can manage to keep certain muscles from clinching (tightening) they can hold off an orgasm for quite awhile. However, it is difficult learning which muscles those are and keeping them relaxed during a tease session is something that will take lots of practice.

There is one other way to extend a tease session for a quick-shooter. Allow the first orgasm to happen. Of course, it should be ruined whenever possible, but allowing it to happen will simply get it out of the way and the teasing can then continue. If the orgasm happens to be a full orgasm, then I find you have no other recourse than to engage in a some post orgasmic torment. Grab that cock with one hand and rub the head with the palm of the other for as long as you can. I say as long as you can simply because if your guy is not bound he will stop you. But at this point, that's all you can do. Treat it like a punishment for not warning you in time for you to ruin the orgasm, or prevent it altogether.

The final method I have to offer to those of you with preemies (premature ejaculators), is don't touch his cock until (and if) you intend for him to cum. That is, simply tease his mind. Tell him fantasies, make him watch videos of other women teasing their men, or anything else you can do without actually touching his cock. Don't allow him to touch it either. After all, your goal in teasing him is to keep him hard for as long as you can (or want to) without allowing him any kind of release.

So, in summation, there are ways of handling this problem (or even working around it) in order to accomplish your goal. Stick to it, be inventive, and you will find a way. Please write me and let know what you do to handle your preemie. I could use a few more ideas myself.

Mistress Ivey

P.O.T. for FUN!

I have written about Post Orgasm Torture (POT) before, but it never hurts (me anyway) to explain it and its uses again. First of all, POT is not as bad as it sounds. You can always substitute the word “Torment” for the word “Torture” in the name. It really makes no difference. It's just semantics.

What is POT? I have heard many different explanations ranging from severe CBT (Cock and Ball Torture) to continued stroking after ejaculation. The truth is, POT is the torment created when you rub the head of a man's cock immediately after ejaculation. It will last from a few seconds to a few minutes, depending on two main factors: 1) How sensitive his cock is. And 2) How long you can do it without a break.

Let me explain. If you begin to rub the head (glans) of a man's cock the instant he begins to ejaculate (when it is the most sensitive) it will drive him mad! He will do anything within his power to stop you, even though he might enjoy it (to some extent). It's like being held down and tickled until you can't take it any more... Only worse! If you stop rubbing, for more than a few seconds, you will have lost your opportunity in most cases. There are men who will remain extremely sensitive for several minutes, but most will lose that sensitivity within a few seconds, if you stop rubbing. The key to successfully torturing his cock is not to stop rubbing. It will be difficult because of all the squirming, wriggling and perhaps, screaming your guy will do.

POT makes an excellent punishment if you intended to tease and deny your guy and he accidentally ejaculates in spite of your best efforts to prevent it. But no matter what your reason for doing it, you are bound to enjoy the feeling the power it gives you. Yes, it can really be a boost to your own ego. It is a feeling like no other I have ever felt. I have personally never felt as powerful as I do when I am tormenting a man who has just ejaculated without permission.

It's a simple thing to do. The hard part is holding on through all his attempts to escape your insistent attempt to torment him. The best method I have found is to hold the shaft with one hand and rub the tip with the palm of the other. I highly recommend that he be securely fastened in place as he will do everything in his power to escape.

Mistress Ivey

What's in a Name?

Do you call yourself a Key Holder, a Mistress, a Femdom, a Dominant, a woman in charge, or something else? If you have a partner, significant other, man, guy, boyfriend, husband, or whatever, in chastity, does it make a difference to you what you call yourself? Does it matter what others call you? What is the difference between all these things, and does it matter? What do you call your partner? Do you call him sub, subbie, sub-boy, boy-toy, submissive, slave, or sweetheart? Again, does it really matter?

Isn't what really matters, the fact that your relationship works? Uh, it does work, doesn't it? Are you sure? Have you stepped out of your roles in order to have a frank (or George) talk about how satisfied you both are? Have you talked about doing more? Or even less? Have you discussed your teasing? Are you really doing enough, the way he really likes it? Or does none of that matter to you?

It may not really matter what you call yourself, or him, for that matter. But if you truly want your relationship to be successful, you must talk about it, especially if you are (or he is) new to it. Are you really doing enough to keep him happy, interested, and horny? Are you teasing him enough, the right way, or is he always wanting more? Are you getting enough of what you want? Are you, possibly, neglecting him because you don't have the libido he has, or because it doesn't matter to you?

I fully understand the dynamics of a Female Led Relationship, but it doesn't help if I am not doing it right. That is, if my partner is not happy for one reason or another, I am not doing something right. I have to swallow my pride (as a Mistress) and sit down to a serious, open discussion of what he likes and dislikes about the way I do things. Then I have to be able to take his criticism without getting angry, or feeling I have failed in some way.

Understanding your partner and his needs, is not always easy. The best way to do it is through open discussions. He must understand that whatever he tells you, you will not be hurt or upset or angry. You should have one of these conversations every few months (3-6?) just to make sure things have not changed.

And speaking of changes, people, and their desires can change as often you change your underwear. What seems good in fantasy, may not be so good in reality. But one thing remains constant in any male chastity relationship... Teasing. Whether you tease him daily, weekly, or once a month, you must use both physical AND psychological (mental) teasing. That is, you can fondle his cock all day and never get him hard if you are talking about the weather, the economy, your bills, or his mother. Let's face it, you need to tend to his mental needs as well as his physical needs.

So... What's in a name? No matter what kind of relationship you have, no matter what you call each other, or yourself, one thing remains constant... You MUST communicate if you want to be successful. That is, if you want to be happy as a couple.

Mistress Ivey

Judging by the email I receive on a regular basis, I assume that most of my readers are male. Just to be sure, I am asking you (whoever you are) to Please leave a comment concerning the variety in your sex life. Is it enough? Do you need more? Your participation is much appreciated.

My point is, I feel like I am preaching to the choir. However, this applies equally to both men and women even if they are not in a Female Led relationship (FLR). My subject for today is, Variety! After all, variety is the spice of life...

Let's assume that you can choose anything you like for dinner, but whatever you choose will be what you get everyday for the rest of your life. Just how long do you think it would take for you to get tired of eating the same old thing day after day? If you are like most people, it wouldn't take very long.

So why do you think your guy (husband, subbie, chastity boy, or whatever you call him) wants the same old thing sexually everyday? No matter what you are doing to tease him, no matter how much you make him please you, if you are not varying it often, then you are risking him getting bored with it (yourself included).

It doesn't matter what we are talking about, the fantasies you tell him, the sexual activity you make him preform for (or on) you, how you tease him, what you feed him, or even the praise you give him, if you are not including variety in all you do, then you are risking everything you have worked for going right down the drain.

By now, you have learned that the care and feeding of your partner is a great deal of work. I am the first to admit that it can be difficult. But you must include as much variety as you can in your daily routines. But if your marriage has improved since you started tease and denial with your partner, you don't want to lose what you have gained.

I could write list upon list of ways to vary your everyday activities, but I am going to leave it up to you to do the research. After all, who knows your partner better than you do? So here's what you need to do...

Take the time to research your partner's fantasies. Search the web for stories that he (or you) will like. Think about how you can change up those daily teases and even come up with new ways of denying his orgasm. Practice a little variety in those little teases you do several times a day to keep him interested, aroused, and thinking of you.

Make a list of everything you can remember doing. Make separate lists for daily teasing, fantasies, your own pleasure, and those special events you have done. Then try to add a few new things to each list. Now keep those lists handy and refer to them often. Don't repeat any one thing too often. Add to those lists any time you think of something new to try.

If you mix everything up enough, you may be surprised at the over all results. All this may very well renew your own pleasure and desire to engage in sexual activity and the fun you have teasing his cock. Variety truly is the spice of life, especially when it comes to your sex life!

Mistress Ivey

What About Your Fantasies?

I have written more about men's fantasies than I would care to read in one sitting, but I haven't written one thing about women's fantasies. And I don't care what you say, you know you have them.

As important as it is to know and understand your partner's fantasies, it's equally as important to have some of your own. If you enjoy chastity, tease and denial, or even CBT, you must have had at least one fantasy involving one or more of these things. Wouldn't it be great to try it out? Well, that depends on what it is. I mean, are you really going to march your subbie down Main Street wearing nothing but a collar, leash and a chastity device?

So, obviously you have to use a little common sense in determining what you can and can't do. Let's say you have selected a nice little dream about whipping your boy in a semi-public place... Say, a play party. I know, you don't attend any play parties. Why not? You should. You could learn a great deal from others who have been at it longer, or who's imaginations have been running wild for the last year or so.

Okay, back on subject. So how do you use this little fantasy of yours? How do you incorporate it into your “normal” playtime? The same way you would incorporate his fantasies. Start out by placing a blindfold over his eyes (it helps him visualize). Now, as you play with him (any way you like), talk about your fantasy. Tell him how you would really love to do it with (to?) him.

Vocalizing your fantasy should be enough to turn you on as much as it will him. Then, of course, you can have him pleasure you! The point is not to verbalize the fantasy completely. I mean, that can be a little intimidating. But, while he is tending to you, have him verbalize your fantasy for you. After all, didn't you just tell him what it was all about? Let him make up the details for you. That way, you can just relax and listen while he does whatever it is you want him to.

Once he knows a few of your fantasies, you can have him make up stories about them whenever you're in the mood. Why not use him for more than doing the chores?

Mistress Ivey

Forced Chastity?

I recently read another blog about “forced” chastity. About the only thing with which I agree concerning that post is that you can't really force chastity on anyone. Let's look at the facts...

• No man who doesn't want to be locked in chastity is not going to allow someone to lock a device on him.
• No device (yet) made can't be defeated, no matter what kind you have.
• If a chastity device were placed on a man against his will, he could easily bring criminal charges against the perpetrator.

With that in mind, I would like to discuss what many men DO like. Many men, especially those involved in chastity, have fantasies about being “forced” to do any number of things. Some want to be forced to wash the dishes, some want to be forced to wear a woman's clothing, and some even want to be forced to watch their wife have sex with another man. The truth be told, these are all just fantasies. I'm not saying that they won't experience any of these things, but the truth is they want to pretend that they are being “forced.”

There is a certain amount of sexual excitement in being forced to do things that are considered to be outside the range of “normal.” Normal, meaning accepted by society as a whole, or not thought of as “kinky” by non-kinky folks. All the person is looking for is an added thrill that would not be there if they were not “forced” to perform some activity.

When I was slave to my husband, there was a thrill in not having to make any decisions at all. Our sexual, or kinky, activities took on a more exciting, more intense, feeling simply because nothing I was doing was my idea. I had no choice. I had to do what I was told. Being bound only adds to the thrill because, no matter what happens to me, I was not the one who was doing it. I was being “forced” to do it.

All most men want is for someone else tell them what to do. They want to be relieved of responsibility for their actions. Their sexual actions, anyway. Men's fantasies are as widely varied as snowflakes. There are no two alike. Not only do these fantasies vary from man to man, they often vary from day to day in the same man. That is, one man's fantasies are constantly changing, evolving, from moment to moment.

The thought of being “forced” to do anything in these fantasies only adds to the excitement of the particular fantasy. Therefore, the desire to be “forced” to perform certain acts becomes stronger with each passing day unless, and until, the fantasy is realized. This is true of any fantasy.

If you are not completely up to date on exactly what your man is fantasizing about, you need to learn about them. After all, the best way to control any man is through his fantasies!

Mistress Ivey

Attitude!

I have spent a great deal of time writing about all different aspects of tease and denial of your guy's cock. I have given you many reasons to try it. What I have not talked about in this blog, is a VERY important thing... Your attitude!

You can always tease a man's cock successfully, just about any time you want. You can even do it when you are angry with him. But if you really want him to enjoy it, you need to have the right attitude. If you don't, it doesn't matter how you tease him, how often you tease him, or even where you tease him, he will not enjoy it as much as he should.

So, what is the right attitude? Simply put, you must enjoy what you are doing. It sounds simple, but in order to convey your pleasure (your attitude) you must make your partner understand just how much you enjoy teasing him. That means that you are going to have to talk with him (or at him) in a sexual way. That's where all those other things I have taught you come in.

You can talk to him about a fantasy that he has, or simply about how much you like making him squirm. It really doesn't matter as long as you keep his attention on sex. You should do your best to occupy his mind with thoughts of sexual activity. Whether it's about what you are doing to him at the moment, or something you think he would be humiliated doing in the future. Talk about how good it would feel to him to put his cock inside you. Talk about how you love making him beg to cum. Talk about how much you would love to make a video of him being teased by another woman.

The subject matter can be varied as much as your imagination allows, as long as you enjoy what you are doing and he knows it. If you have a good time, so will he, even when you deny his orgasm. But if you go into any sexual encounter with a bad attitude, you will not only not enjoy what you are doing, but neither will your partner.

Remember, in this type of relationship, sex is totally under your control. So why would you ever have a bad attitude? If you want him to please you, make him do it. If you want to edge him ten or twenty times without allowing him an orgasm, do it. If you want him to masturbate for you because you are just too tired to tease him yourself, do it. Just be sure that he always knows that whatever you (or he) are doing, you are enjoying yourself. After all, if he were to simply masturbate to porn on the internet, he will imagine that the woman on the screen is enjoying it.

Let's be honest about this. What makes the women in the the photos and videos on the internet so erotic? They seem to enjoy sex. It's the same thing that makes a hooker good at what she does. She makes her John happy by acting as if she enjoys what she is doing as much as he does. It's no big secret. It's human nature.

Basically, if you have a good attitude toward your sexual activity, he will enjoy it that much more. So make it a point never to engage in sex when you just can't have a good attitude and you will find that you both enjoy it all much, much more!

Mistress Ivey

Philosophy

When it comes to the philosophy of a Female Led Relationship, one must surely realize that we are generally talking about a marriage, as opposed to a work relationship.

So what brings me to this point? I read a book by another author, who shall remain nameless, today. Some folks would look at her work compared to mine and think we are living in two different worlds. The truth is, we are not. In fact, we agree on more things than you might think. The difference, as I see it, is that we are not talking about the same thing.

If you were discussing the rotational effects of the moon on the Earth with a friend, and someone else started saying that, according to so-and-so, you were wrong. Wouldn't you be curious what “so-and-so” said about the subject? But what if you tell your friend that “so-and-s0” wasn't talking about the moon, but rather the Sun? After all, it is a whole different subject.

Okay, in my writing, both here and in my books, I talk about women being in charge of their men, their families, in a female led relationship. But this other author (who I am not naming) does not talk about that kind relationship. Instead, she talks about a non-consensual type of relationship which is a totally different animal. It is my philosophy that there must be harmony in a marriage. And that means “give and take” on both sides.

When someone compares my methods with those of other authors, I appreciate it, if they didn't try to compare apples and oranges. For example, in a non-consensual relationship, the slave (or sub) has given up all rights to anything other than obedience. In a female led marriage, he has not. In fact, he is expected to be rewarded for good behavior, teased to help keep him in line, and given an orgasm once in awhile, especially if he is in chastity.

If you want to have a non-consensual slave to take care of your every need, by all means, go out and find one. But if you want your husband or lover to obey you, be prepared to hand out rewards for good behavior.

If you are going to talk about me, please understand the philosophy, and get it right.

Mistress Ivey

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B & B

I hear so many women tell me that they love keeping their partner in chastity, but don't go in for all that bondage stuff. When I ask them if they at least tie his hands when they remove his chastity device for teasing, most tell me they don't. When I ask if they blindfold him during tease sessions, again the answer is “no”. Shame on you Ladies!

There is a reason that I advocate the use of blindfolds and bondage when teasing your guy. Whether you remove his chastity device or not, your objective is (or at least should be) to get him as aroused as you possibly can. Isn't it? If you didn't answer “Yes” to that, you may as well skip this post. In fact, you may as well forget about tease and denial altogether. I mean, if you are going to do it, do it right.

A blindfold serves as an aid to increasing your partner's arousal because it forces him to use his imagination. His fantasies live in his imagination. Think about it. A blindfold can also eliminate the need for you to put on some kind of fantasy enhancing attire (sexy outfit) in order to tease him. If he can't see you, he will imagine you. In other words, you can be dressed in an old pair of jeans and T-shirt, but he will imagine the leather teddy, high-heeled boots, and whatever else he would like you to wear. You can even feed his imagination by describing to him what you want him to see.

As for the bondage part, again, you need to feed his imagination. By simply tying his hands so that he is unable to use them, he will feel more vulnerable. More vulnerable equals more aroused. Wait... Isn't that the point of all this? It doesn't matter that you are lousy at tying knots. It doesn't matter that if he really wanted to he could get loose. All that matters is that feeling of vulnerability, of having no control (because you have all the control), that will increase his arousal. You can bind his wrists behind his back, to the arms of a chair, to the headboard of your bed (or any bed), you can even tie them to the top of a door. It doesn't matter how you bind his hands as long as you do it.

I hope you get my point. Two simple items, a blindfold and piece of rope, can make your job so much easier. Why work at teasing your partner when there are so many things you can do to get him to new heights of arousal without making more work for you. Don't believe me? Try tying his hands to a chair while he is naked, then sit down and start reading a book (to yourself). Every now and then, ask him if he would like you to touch him. Or ask him to describe what he would like you to be wearing when you touch him. You'll see I'm right.

Have fun with teasing... It's supposed to be fun, NOT a chore!

Mistress Ivey

On The Edge Pt-2

In the video above, you will see how this woman uses several techniques of stroking. The main one she uses is the “Up-Only” stroke. Notice how she starts at the base of his cock and lets her hand slide up (barely even touching him) and then returns to the bottom without sliding down. This is an interesting technique because, I have discovered, many men can't get what they need to ejaculate... The “Down” stroke!

I have found, over the years, that by giving a guy only up-strokes, he seems to be able to hold the edge longer than if he gets a down-stroke along with it. If you think about it, it's like he is only “pulling out” and never “pushing in.” He needs to feel that push to help him over the edge. Since we don't want him going over the edge, this is a great stroke to use. You can pause at any time for however long you think you need to before continuing.

Another method of creating ruined orgasms is what I call the “Ball Tug” method. I don't have a video example for you, but there are some out there. What you do is take his balls in your hand and firmly tug them in a downward direction, never touching his cock at all. Though this method you can produce a full orgasm, it has been my experience that if you either let go at the right time, or squeeze his balls tightly at the last moment, his orgasm will be ruined. Of course, the object here is to stop BEFORE he gets that close.

It really doesn't matter what method you use as long as you stop and allow him a moment to rest before he reaches orgasm. The nice part is, no matter how early you stop, you have successfully teased him and did not push him over the edge. The really fun part of edging is the frustration you are causing your partner. Believe me, he will love it even if he doesn't really get that close to the edge. This is true tease and denial.

Mistress Ivey

On The Edge Pt-1

I have written about edging a little before, but I don't think I dedicated a whole post to that. So, for those of you who have been wanting more information specific to edging, here you go...

First of all, edging is nothing more than bringing your partner close to orgasm and stopping short of allowing him to actually ejaculate. How close you get him, and how many times you do it, will vary, but the methods are many and simple. It's like trying to ruin an orgasm and stopping too soon. That's edging!

It really doesn't matter exactly how close your partner is to ejaculation when you pause, or stop stimulating him, for a moment. The point is to NOT allow him to slip over the edge into an orgasm. Exactly how long you can stimulate him depends on several factors. The first is, how sensitive to stimulation he is. The second would be exactly what you are doing to stimulate him. And the third factor would be how much stimulation you are giving him. But the key to good edging is stopping all stimulation BEFORE it's too late.

Once you start to stimulate him, you can stop and allow him to rest for a few seconds to a minute or even more. As long as he does not ejaculate, you may then resume your stimulation of his cock. Now let's take a look at some of the most popular methods of stimulation (as if we need to).

The most commonly used method is to lubricate his cock (or your hand) really well with your favorite sex lube. Now, simply stroke his cock in whatever manner you prefer. Remember that you MUST stop before he ejaculates! I find it the most fun to use a slow, upward stroke. If you only stroke from the base to the tip of his cock, he will last longer (and so will your fun). I like to stop every few strokes, between five and ten strokes. If you are stroking both up and down, you might want to stop after only five or six strokes.

Short pauses will cause his desire and, therefore his proximity to orgasm, to increase. If you suspect that he is getting close to an orgasm, pause for a longer period, or do fewer or less stimulating strokes. You can, of course, continue to stimulate other parts of his body. Just not his cock or you will push him over the edge.

Another method of teasing his cock for edging is by touching it with only one or, possibly, two fingers at a time. This can be very frustrating. That's a good thing. Though, you might want to do some full stroking with your whole hand to get him warmed up. Use a very light touch and he will certainly last longer. I know that many of you, for whatever reason, don't want to spend a great deal of time doing this, but if you really get into his frustration and learn to enjoy it (not to mention the control you have over him at this point), you can have so much fun with edging.

Mistress Ivey

Stifled Orgasms (Pt 2)

This is one subject I have not spent a great deal of time talking about. I guess that's because they are so easy to accomplish. But I have recently been asked what good a stifled orgasm is if the recipient still gets all “grumpy” afterwards. I have said that stifled orgasms are more like full orgasms than ruined orgasms. I stick by my assessment.

With a ruined orgasm, there is no drop, either physical or emotional, in the sexual arousal of the recipient. That is to say, he still wants sex and he can easily cum again. After all, none of the hormones or endorphins that accompany a full orgasm are released. However, they are released when an orgasm is stifled. That means, there will be a drop in sexual desire. The poor guy will go through all the same symptoms he would have had he been allowed to have a full orgasm. I have been told that the after effects don't usually last as long. At least in some men.

I am not a big fan of stifled orgasms except for their possible use as a punishment. Yes, a stifled orgasm can be a punishment. When the body goes through the normal ejaculation cycle, there is a great deal of pressure behind the ejaculation. When you stifle his orgasm, you are holding back his normal ejaculation, and all that pressure produced forces the semen into whatever area is available. Normally, it will back up into the bladder. While it is not in the least bit harmful, it can cause a certain amount of pain. Often twice. Once when the body is attempting to expel his ejaculate, and again when you release your grip on whatever part of his penis you used to stifle the orgasm. Of course, the pain associated with your release of his penis is not as intense as the initial backup, it is still a little bit painful. Or, I should say, can be. This doesn't happen to everyone, nor does it happen every time. It all depends on how long you maintain your grip.

Either way, the initial backup does, quite often, cause a certain amount of pain, and this is why I use it as a punishment. Personally, I love ruining an orgasm more than just about anything else. The expression on his face as he tries to produce a full orgasm when the stimulation is gone is priceless! The fact that he is still aroused and doesn't want to stop is key to keeping him in a “ready to serve” state.

Just for the record, if you intend on giving your man a stifled orgasm, its effectiveness is directly proportional to the length of time you hold it back. That is, the longer you maintain your grip, preventing any ejaculate from escaping, the more effective it is. If you release him too soon, because the pressure still remains, his semen may shoot out one time and dribble the rest. But if you hold him long enough, it will all dribble out. So it depends on you as to how long you want to hold him back. Sometimes it is fun to watch that first “blast” of semen come shooting out, knowing that he is not getting any enjoyment from it. But other times, you just want to watch his face when you finally release his penis and his cum just dribbles out.

So, yes, a stifled orgasm can be fun, just be careful of the after effects. Remember, he will experience a drop in arousal and desire for sexual activity if you stifle his orgasm. I think it is well worth the trouble to learn how to ruin his orgasms. Besides, it's fun practicing!

Mistress Ivey

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Stifled Orgasms (pt 1)

I have done a great deal of writing about ruined orgasms (my favorite kind). But I think I have to redefine them just a bit. I have come the the conclusion that some orgasms, while not allowed to expend their ejaculate in a 'normal' manner, are not quite the same as real ruined orgasm.

What I am talking about needs a bit of explanation. When I talk about a ruined orgasm, I am speaking about one that is allowed to happen all on it's own. It will not squirt, spurt or shoot as a normal orgasm. It will, in fact, only dribble out. The only way I have found to achieve this type of orgasm is to simply allow it to happen without touching the cock at all. That is, when that all important, crucial moment arrives (often called the point of no return) and no further stimulation of any kind is given, the ejaculate will simply dribble out.

However, if you stop the orgasm, you have not, technically, ruined the orgasm. Though it may not be what your guy wanted, it still allows his system to pump all it can as hard as it can, it just doesn't come out. It will be blocked from squirting, spurting, or otherwise shooting out as in a normal orgasm. That's why I call these “stifled orgasms.” The orgasm must be stopped PRIOR to any ejaculation occurs.

Here are a few ways to “Stifle” and orgasm:

• Squeeze the base of his cock VERY tightly.
• Squeeze this cock just behind the head as tight as you can.
• Pinch the sides of the head firmly between your thumb and forefinger.
• Place your thumb securely over the hole at the tip of his cock. (This one is hard because of the amount of pressure involved.)
• Place a tight cock-ring on his cock either at the base or just behind the head. (Note: silicone rings are not tight enough for use on most men.)

You should maintain your grip for at least ten to fifteen seconds to insure that you have stopped his ejaculation entirely. Of course, in the case of a cock-ring that part is taken care of.

The only difference between a stifled orgasm and a full orgasm (one that is allowed to squirt, spurt and shoot out) is the fact the the stifled orgasm isn't allowed to come out until all the hard pushing is done. The fact that a full orgasm results in a decrease in sexual desire is also present in the stifled orgasm. Therefore, for all intents and purposes, a stifled orgasm is a full orgasm that was not allowed to exit the body with any force.

A ruined orgasm, on the other hand, is not a full orgasm because no matter how much the subject tries to push his ejaculate out with force, he is simply unable to do so. This then, leaves him totally unsatisfied and wanting more. Wanting more is the goal of the ruined orgasm, isn't it?

So from now on I will refer to only three types of orgasm; full, stifled, and ruined. I apologize for any past confusion this may have caused, but in the future, things should be much more clear.

Mistress Ivey

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Why Become A Mistress?

Because it can be so much fun! That's why.

I have written several books and heaven knows how many blog posts about how and why you should tease your man. But it seems like everything is about him when in fact, the reason for becoming a Mistress is to have someone cater to your own needs, wants and desires. After all, isn't that what this is all supposed to be about?

If taking control and setting up an FLR is supposed to be all about the woman's needs and desires, why do I spend so much time talking about what she should be doing for him? Isn't it obvious? I can think of only one reason... To keep him sexually aroused so that he will WANT to do everything he can for her.

But if she has to work this hard at it, isn't that sort of self defeating? If by that you mean that she should have to do nothing and he should do everything, then it won't work. Both partners MUST get something out of the relationship, and in order to do that, both must put something INTO the relationship. Tit for tat (pun intended). The great part about it is, the woman, YOU, should be getting a great deal more than you are putting into it. How is that fair? I didn't say was.

Here is how it really works... You are in charge! In charge of him. In charge of everything. You get a servant (sub, slave, whatever) to do all those things you don't want to do. To get that, you have to keep him sexually aroused and focused on you. That's it. The big bonus for you is the feelings that only come from having that much power and control at your fingertips.

Let's face it, Ladies, don't you get a little charge every time you give him an order and he complies? Especially if you have just ordered him to do something humiliating that he would never do without you “making” him do it? Then there is the powerful feelings when you ruin or completely deny him the orgasm he has been begging for for the last two months! The look on his face when his ejaculate dribbles out of his cock after a long tease session is priceless. The fact that he hasn't had an orgasm in two or even three months just adds to the joy.

Yes, you spend some time keeping him horny by teasing his cock, telling him what to do, making sure he is doing everything you want, and then, of course, having to punish him when he doesn't. But, there again, there is that feeling of power and control. Isn't it wonderful?

I feel sorry for those women who look at all the sexual attention they give their partner as a chore. It's not a chore, it's an opportunity to have fun... At HIS expense.

Mistress Ivey

CBT for Beginners

I get a great number of questions regarding cock and ball torture (CBT) and I am never quite sure how to answer them. While some men may thoroughly enjoy one type of CBT, another type might really put them off. Then there is the inherent danger. The penis and testicles (cock and balls) can be quite delicate. That is, they can be permanently damaged if you are not careful.

Having said that, let's take a look at a few things you can do as long as you take care NOT to over do any of them. That is, don't go to extremes. If in doubt, don't do it.

Weights: Adding weights to a man's balls in order to cause slight (or severe) pain is a common method of CBT. The easiest way to accomplish this is simply to wrap a thin rope or string (I like using round boot laces) around the ball sack just above the balls several times and tie it off. If you have enough string left at both ends you can tie them together forming a loop under the balls. To this loop, you can attach weights. Purchase your weights in the fishing aisle of your favorite department store. They come in many different sizes and can be attached to the string using Christmas tree ornament hooks.

There are a number of apparatus that can be purchased from just about any online sex shop to make this easier. But I don't recommend you spend a great deal of money on something you may discover you don't want to use. There are 'parachutes' that work well. They consist of a conical-shaped piece of leather with (usually) three chains that attach to a ring. These chains dangle below the balls and you attach your weights to the ring. Whatever you choose to do, PLEASE start out slow. Don't go adding a 25Lb weight your first time out. Start with something that only weighs a few ounces first.

Binding: Using the same string I described above, you can tie up your guy's jewels just about any way you like. You can get fancy by wrapping his penis from tip to base. You can make a fishnet type binding, or you can just tie a string to the tip and see how much weight he can “lift” when he gets really turned on. Of course you can always involve the balls when binding the penis. Just don't leave it on him all day unless you have tied him loosely (what fun would that be?). Anytime you start binding the cock and balls you risk cutting off the flow of blood. That can be dangerous. So limit the time you leave any bindings on.

Motor-Boat: This is a fun (for you, not so much him) thing to try. Wrap a string around his cock starting at the base and working your way to the tip. Don't tie either end to anything. Once you have him all wrapped up, take the end nearest the tip and pull it straight out from his body. It's like pulling the string to start a motor-boat, thus, the name. It's fun and reasonably harmless.

Electro-shock: This is my personal favorite. You can purchase (yes you have to buy something for this one) any number of types and styles of electro-shock devices. Most online sex toy stores carry a variety of them. By attaching the electrodes to various places on and around his genitals, you can achieve all sorts of results. Most devices have the capability to adjust the intensity of the shock and/or the waveform used. All I can tell you about this type of CBT is that it is FUN! Just make sure you ALWAYS turn down the settings before trying it in a new spot. (I learned that from experience.)

Then there are what are commonly called “sounds.” Sounds are long metal (usually surgical steel) rods that can be inserted into a guy's urethra. The name comes from using them like a tuning fork. The vibrations can be very stimulating. I recommend starting with the smallest one you can get. They do come in sets anywhere from four to twelve in a set. Always use plenty of lubrication when inserting ANYTHING into the penis. It will hurt enough, even with lubrication.

There are many other types of CBT as well. Try waxing the hair off his balls, applying some duct tape, or just sticking some regular tape to the hairy spots. Ripping it off is so much fun and fairly harmless. You can use any of a number of clips and clamps made especially for CBT (or nipples) but my favorite of these is that old standby... clothespins. I recommend the cheap ones because they have weaker springs.

I DO NOT recommend hitting, his balls with anything. Gentle slaps or finger thumps should be your limit. Serious injury can result from anything harder. He may be able to take the pain, but his genitals may not take the damage well.

CBT can be fun when you do it right. Just don't risk doing damage and you should be fine.

Mistress Ivey

Get Into It

After years of talking with folks, researching, and writing, I still hear the same old complaints. Men complain that their wives don't give them enough sex (teasing, etc.) and the woman complain that their guy thinks it's all about sex. Well, they are both right (in a manner of speaking).

While I am a firm believer that, for men, sex is one of the most important things in life. I also believe that they will always want more than they get. It's a fact of life. It's the way they were designed. I talked about this in all of my books. Men are, by design, sexually oriented beings. They will, if given the chance, beg, plead, hound, and cajole you to death to get more sex. That's why a woman must learn how to control all that.

Women, on the other hand, don't normally want sex nearly as often as men. Not, that is, until they discover how much fun they can have controlling a man with it. Before I discovered my “inner Mistress,” I hated the fact that all men ever think about (it seemed) was sex. But once I learned how to use that to my own advantage, I couldn't get enough myself. Why? Because I discovered just how much fun it can be.

Ladies, if you are still at that point where you get tired of being hounded everyday for more and more sexual activity, then you have not yet figured out how to have fun with it. Think about it... Don't you just hate trying to find ways of telling your partner that you just don't want to do it right now? Don't you just wish you could do or say something that would make him stop begging all the time?

Try taking control. You don't have to give in to his desires. Instead of you having to take the time to get him all turned on (as if he weren't already) and then let him poke you for thirty seconds to relieve his desires, try something different. The next time he starts his routine “hint dropping” that he needs sex, take control. Tell him that he can have all the sex he wants if he will do exactly what you tell him to do.

Once he agrees, you tell him to strip and masturbate for you. If you don't want to watch, don't. Watch TV or knit something while he does all the work. If you really want to have fun, stop him before he cums and tell him that he tried hard enough and that you will give him another chance later (or tomorrow). It's called tease and denial. The better you get at it, the more fun you can have with in.

So, Ladies, get with the program. Tease the hell out of your partner and he will repay you ten times over with love and attention. It's a win-win situation.

Mistress Ivey